The debate as to whether women can have it all continues to be fuelled. In an interview at the recent Forbes Women Summit in New York, Mary Callan Erdoes, CEO of the Asset Management Division for JP Morgan Chase said that women can have it all but they can’t have it all at the same time.
Women are being made to feel that they should have the high flying career, the 1.7 children and the perfect family life. But in reality, can women really have it all?
Looking at leading women such as Marissa Mayer and Sheryl Sandberg may lead some to thinking that yes, women can have it all as these women have very successful careers and they have their ‘perfect’ families. Marissa Mayer takes her child in to work and has achieved amazing success in her career. She is very fortunate, however, she was in a position to influence the working environment but, unfortunately, there are many women who are not able to do so. We all know the controversy that hit the news last year when Mayer paid to have a nursery built in her office but yet banned her employees from working remotely, many of whom were working mothers.
I applaud Marissa Mayer and Sheryl Sandberg for achieving great success in their careers as they have worked hard to get to the positions they are in and are doing great things to help other women achieve success in their careers too. The reality in my view is that the majority of women cannot have it all and something has to give.
Don’t let other people make you feel guilty about your choices
If you want to get to the c-suite, then go for it but you need to go for it with your eyes wide open as this responsibility may involve you working excessive hours, limiting the time you can spend with your children.
If this is the choice that you make, do not let other people make you feel guilty about this. Do not try and compensate for this lack of time with your children by giving them material things. Instead, make sure that the time you do spend with them is pure quality and free from the distractions of work. Switch off the phone, turn off the emails because you know what, they don’t stay children for long and before you know it, they will be at an age where they don’t want to do things with mummy in any event.
If your choice is to devote yourself to your family, do not be pressured into thinking you have to get to the top in your career. A client of mine recently told me that she felt she had been born in the wrong time. A demanding, high flying job meant that she was not able to devote the time that she wanted to her young children. She was conscious that time was passing by and she was missing out on so much of her children’s every day lives. She wanted to downsize her career but was under increasing pressure to strive to have it all.
If spending time with your children and being there when they need you most is important to you, do not buy into the hype that you must have it all. If you want to downsize your career until your children are less dependent on you, be confident with that decision.
Define what your own personal ‘all’ is and be satisfied with that
I became a single mum when my son was 7 years old. At the time I had been in the process of pursuing a career in law, with the aim of becoming a solicitor. I was offered a position in a law firm with huge potential, but it would have meant taking an initial pay cut. I was told by the managing partner that eventually my salary would far exceed anything I could expect to earn in the organisation I was in at the time.
However, as a single mum with a young child and a mortgage, I could not afford to take a pay cut. I made a conscious decision to stay in the organisation I was in and pursue a management career within it. It meant I was able to pursue my career in an environment that was very flexible and family friendly.
Although it meant staying at the same level for 5 years, it also meant that I was there for my son. Once my son was old enough and not so dependent on me, I was able to continue my career progression within the organisation by moving to different locations, going from junior manager to senior management in a relative short space of time.
In a recent interview I did for Astute Radio, Dr Sayeda Abu-Amero talks about pursuing her career as a single mum. Yes, it has meant that there have been aspects of her daughter’s life that she has had to miss out on, but having a good support network means that she has been able to pursue and have a successful career as a scientist.
I believe that you should define what your own personal ‘all’ is and be satisfied with that. I believe that I had it all. My ‘all’ was to pursue a leadership position within the organisation whilst providing the best possible start in life for my son and nurturing him to become a fine, well balanced adult.
This I achieved, however, certain things had to give. I rarely got to do the school run and meet the other parents as I had to enlist in a childminder to take him and pick him up from school. By the end of most evenings I was completely shattered, having fulfilled my third job of taxi driver, ferrying him (and sometimes his friends) to the various after school activities he took part in.
I did not get to do much after work socialising and I had to redefine my career vision, taking in to account my circumstances. But you know what, I never felt guilty and I was confident about the choices I made. I have had a very fulfilling and successful career and seen my son grow in to a fine, happy, balanced young man who is carving out a successful career for himself.
Some may not view this as having it all but you know what, this is my life, and I am not living the life of others
So, to answer the question, do I think that women can have it all? I actually dislike this question. Why does the question even have to be asked? Nobody can have it all, not even men. I think it just puts a lot of pressure on women to feel that they have to achieve utopia in both their careers and family life without anything giving.
Define what your own personal ‘all’ is within the parameters of your circumstances and yes, you can achieve that. Whatever choice you make, go into it with your eyes wide open and remember that for every action there is a reaction. Once you are aware of the consequences of your choices, be confident with the decision you make and be guilt free.
Have you been made to feel guilty because of the choices you have made? Have you felt pressured to strive to have it all when this is not what you really want? Or have you achieved it all (whatever this means to you)? Please share your comments below.
To be confident about striving for what really matters to you, you need to know how aligned you are to your values. For help clarifying what your values are or what really matters to you, complete this exercise here.
Originally Published on LinkedIn.
Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash