Confrontation is something that many people avoid. Reasons for this include fear – fear of upsetting the other person or fear of rejection; worrying about repercussions, or the impact; or even because avoiding the issue needing to be confronted seems so much easier.
I often coach introverted senior leaders who don’t like confrontation, to understand their reasons for this, and what they can do about it. It is suggested that there is a physiological basis as to why introverted people may not like confrontation. This has to do with the overstimulation of the brain from the act of confrontation or the thought of it.
The thought of confrontation can be overstimulating and stressful
Introverted people are said to have naturally higher cortical arousal levels which means we are more sensitive to external stimuli such as noise, light, and social interactions. Also, we have a tendency to engage in deep, reflective thinking and introspection, which can result in increased cortical arousal as we focus on our internal thoughts and ideas.
Cortical arousal can influence the production of the stress hormones which invoke our body’s stress response known as the ‘fight or flight’ response. It is not just the physical act of confrontation that can activate the body’s stress response and release stress hormones (that affect us physiologically), stressful psychological situations can also activate the stress response.
Thinking about dealing with confrontation can lead to this. It can result in the introverted person being overstimulated and feeling overwhelmed, drained, and stressed. They may then either avoid confrontation or are not able to be at their best when dealing with it.
Knowing that this could happen, even just the thought of confrontation can make it something that you want to avoid. However, if you have a situation that requires confrontation and avoid it, the issue is unlikely to go away. This can make things difficult for you and for others. It can also undermine how you are perceived as a leader.
The word confrontation is a negatively loaded word. The Cambridge Dictionary defines it as a fight or argument. If this is how you view confrontation, is it any wonder why even thinking about it may be overstimulating, draining, and invoking your body’s stress response? If you were going to have a physical fight or an argument, you would expect the release of cortisol and adrenaline to help your body cope with the altercation.
However, I’m sure you are not going to have a physical fight at work. And if you are dealing with someone on an adult-to-adult basis, there is no need to be arguing. A heated discussion may be, but you will not be having fisticuffs.
Relax and reframe
If you find that even just the thought of having a confrontation leaves you feeling overstimulated, drained, and stressed, this can interfere with your ability to think rationally and clearly. Which can affect how you process information and your decision-making. Practising relaxation techniques such as mindfulness meditation, deep breathing, and exercise can help
Reframing how you view confrontation can also help. What is it that you want to achieve by having the confrontation? What is the outcome that you want? Is it that you want to address someone’s unreasonable behaviour? Is it that you want to implement an idea that has been met with resistance? Whatever it is that you want to achieve, rather than viewing it as confrontation, view it as a conversation which is a means to get the desired outcome.
For example, if it is to address someone’s unreasonable behaviour, you could reframe the situation as having a conversation with the other person to let them know the impact of their behaviour, and what is required for things to improve. Reframing can also help you to deal with any fears that you may have about confrontation.
If you are worried about how they will respond, think about the sort of reaction you are likely to get and what you can do about it. If having the actual difficult conversation is a challenge, this recording of a previous LinkedIn Live session can help with that:
Understanding what is happening to you physiologically when you think about confrontation or the act of confrontation itself, means that you can put measures in place to minimise high cortical arousal and the stress response. This then allows you to approach a confrontational situation in a calmer, less stressful, and less draining way.
Love it or hate it, how do you handle confrontation? Add your voice to the comments and join in the conversation.
First published on LinkedIn.
If you are an introverted woman and a senior leader and want to increase your confidence, influence and impact, take my free assessment and get a report identifying areas to develop. You can take the assessment here.
