For many of the leaders I coach, when they initially contact me, the situation they say they want my coaching for is some external factor such as leading a difficult change project, negotiating a pay rise, promotion, or compensation package, being more influential, having difficult conversations, managing conflict, developing and motivating their teams, or something else.
However, invariably, there is an underpinning self-limiting belief or internal factor at the root of their challenge. They lack self-confidence and self-belief. They experience imposter syndrome and self-doubt, perfectionism, they lack assertiveness, and/or have other self-limiting beliefs. Many feel like they are invisible, and their voices are not heard.
This is an area of coaching that I love and why I went down the path of becoming a coaching psychologist. I wanted to get a better understanding and knowledge of the psychology that underpins coaching and to work with clients on those underlying issues that inhibit them from having the confidence to be all they are capable of being.
This stems from my personal experience as someone who lacked self-confidence and self-belief growing up. Experiencing the transformational effect of developing belief in myself and what that led me to go on and confidently do, is something I get great satisfaction from coaching in others.
73% of introverted women who were senior leaders experienced self-doubt
I see too many women who lack confidence and belief in themselves hold themselves back and do not have the influence and impact of which they are capable. When carrying out research for my book Quietly Visible, I surveyed introverted women who were senior leaders and 73% said they experienced self-doubt.
These women had achieved great things in their careers getting to the level of leadership they had, but constantly doubting themselves was stressful and chipped away at their self-confidence.
For many of the introverted leaders I coach who experience this, childhood, and early life experiences (including where they were made to feel they were not good enough because they were introverted) have shaped what they think and believe about themselves.
Add to this other intersecting identities and being the ‘only one’ in the room, can bring on feelings of isolation, imposter syndrome, and comparison paralysis. They compare themselves to the dominant group and put themselves down in the process.
For many of you, the environment you are in does not make you feel like you belong and does not feel psychologically safe. When we feel like we belong and feel psychologically safe, we thrive.
The good thing is that self-doubt, low self-belief, and low self-confidence do not have to be your story going forward. You can choose to change things. No matter what your budget is, there are resources that can help.
If you experience self-doubt and lack self-belief and self-confidence, it doesn’t have to be like this
I believe that if all women had the confidence and belief in themselves to achieve their full potential, and had access to opportunities, they would be influencers for positive change in their respective fields. My mission is to facilitate this with as many women as possible.
If you experience self-doubt and lack self-belief and self-confidence it doesn’t have to be like this. You have it within you to be authentic, bold, and confident. But you have to be intentional about making it happen.
Something to recognise is when you are the one that is holding yourself back. This may be due to your lived experience of how other people have treated you over the years. Another thing to recognise is whether a toxic environment is the issue. Staying too long in a toxic environment can chip away at your self-belief and self-confidence.
One client who experienced imposter syndrome and found it difficult to speak up in the male-dominated senior leadership meetings had thrived in her previous job. When I asked what it was about her previous role that was different, she said that they made her feel like she belonged. It was an environment that was inclusive, psychologically safe, and made people feel like they belonged.
There are different resources available to help you
How you make it happen will be determined by how deep rooted the issue is for you. For those of you who are self-starters, reading self-help books and watching videos will be sufficient for you. Some of you will need coaching to help facilitate that transformation. For some of you, if the issues are clinically significantly distressing and so intense that they interfere with your daily functioning and well-being, you may need counselling or psychotherapy.
If you are a self-starter, I have many articles and videos (click on the videos and events tab on my profile) here on LinkedIn that you can use. If you need me to walk alongside you, facilitate the process of change for you, challenge you, and hold you accountable, there are different ways in which I can do this.
How does it make you feel when you think you are not good enough, or that you will fail or make a mistake, make a fool of yourself, or be negatively judged? How do you act and behave as a result? Contrast this to when you are in situations where you believe you are good enough and feel confident about things.
If you think you are not good enough doubt yourself and lack confidence, it is likely to make you anxious and fearful. This in turn can affect how you act and behave and how you come across to others. I am sure that when you reflect on the above contrasts, in those situations where you believe in yourself and what you need to do, you are more confident.
Rationalising what you think and believe about yourself and putting things into perspective, can help to change how you feel and in doing so, help you feel more confident and change how you act and behave.
