You often find that people who are perfectionists have a low tolerance for people who don't meet their high standards, causing tension in their relationships.
Does this sound like you?
The reason why being a perfectionist can be so stressful is because it arises from both wanting to do well and a fear of failure. It becomes a problem when it causes anxiety; affects relationships (both with yourself and others); causes you to procrastinate and holds you back from happiness and achieving the success that you want.
Many factors contribute to the desire to be perfect which can stem from childhood. A fear of failure and seeking approval is often at the heart of it. Parents constantly pushing their children to do well, putting pressure on them to always get good grades at school can leave a child fearing failure. Being told that you’re not good enough and that you will never amount to anything can impact your self belief and you end up believing that you are not good enough and constantly seek approval.
The impact of perfectionism
Perfectionism can affect decision making because you become so concerned about making the right decision and worry about the consequences of making the wrong choice. It can stop you from delegating work because you don't trust anyone to do the job as good as you. It can hold you back from going after what you really want because you are full of self doubt and feel insecure.
A lot of the women I coach who are perfectionists have had successful careers but often they have an insecurity about themselves that causes them to doubt their abilities. They doubt whether they are really any good and so they strive to make sure that what they do is perfect.
They can spend hours, stressing and trying to perfect a piece of work or a project, only to find that the effort that they have put in has not been recognised. This is because the standard that was expected was for it to be good but to them they have delivered something to perfection.
Rather than take risks, they stay doing what they’re comfortable with even if this no longer serves them.
If this is you, how is this way of being helping you? Is it helping or hindering your progress?
Having an understanding of where your underlying beliefs that everything has to be perfect come from will help you break free from perfectionism. Challenge those beliefs and change your thought patterns to ones that are going to help rather than hinder you.
It’s OK to ditch the label
Just because you were told you weren’t good enough or you wouldn’t amount to anything in the past, doesn’t mean that you have to carry that label around with you. Recognise the impact that those words have had over your life and choose not to let them control you.
Other people’s words don’t have to be your reality. They may have said them based on their lived experience of how they were raised and may not have known any better. Or it could be that they had a tough upbringing where life was a constant struggle. As a result, they may have only wanted the best for you and for you to do well, not recognising the impact of constantly pressuring you to succeed would have.
The fact that you are reading this article means that you can now develop an awareness of how you are letting these labels impact your life and you can now do something about it. They may not have been privy to the wealth of information and knowledge that you have access to today.
You have achieved many great things
If you have a fear of failure about something new that you need to do, look back to when you first started doing the things that you are experienced in now. What did you do back then to overcome your fears? How can you apply what you did back then to your situation now?
If you were to look back over your entire life and career and list all of your achievements, I am sure that there will be many. And if a fear of failure is holding you back, remind yourself of your past achievements. You have succeeded in the past and you can do so again.
Even if you did fail at something, what is the worst thing that could happen? And if it were to happen, what could you do?
Go easy on other people
Having a low tolerance level can cause you to take your frustrations out on other people because they don’t live up to your high standards of perfection. Being like this, you may find it hard to delegate and not trust anyone to do the job as good as you.
But where does being this way get you? Trying to do everything yourself, running yourself ragged and stressing yourself out when you could get the support of others?
Raise your tolerance levels to other people. Recognise that not everyone shares your ideals around perfectionism and that this doesn’t mean that they aren’t any good. Why not let good be good enough.
Learn to accept yourself
There are many aspects to you, some things you are good at, some things that you aren’t so good at and some things that you just can’t do at all. I have yet to meet anyone who is perfect. We all have our flaws and imperfections but accepting these rather than beating ourselves up about them is more helpful for us.
You can work on improving the things that you are not good at and just because you may not be good at these things, it does not make you a failure. So don’t over generalise and magnify your areas of weakness. Just because you haven’t done something perfectly, where is the evidence that you are a total failure?
Being a perfectionist can be very stressful but it doesn’t have to be this way. Accept yourself for who you are, warts and all. Celebrate all your fantastic achievements. Recognise when good is good enough and that it is OK to not always get things right, you are after all only human.
What impact is being a perfectionist having on you and having read this article what can you do about it?
Originally Published on LinkedIn.
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