As leaders, having a basic understanding of attachment styles can help you better understand the people you work with, develop interpersonal relationships, better understand yourself. This in turn can help build stronger teams and drive performance.
On the Quietly Visible podcast, I explored how attachment styles can influence the way introverted women lead, communicate, and navigate self-doubt. Whether you tend to seek approval, avoid conflict, or struggle with confidence, understanding your attachment style can help you lead confidently and impactfully.
You can watch the episode here to learn practical strategies for developing a secure leadership mindset:
We read a lot about attachment styles and how understanding them can improve our romantic relationships, but not so much about how having an understanding can improve leadership and relationships in the workplace. Understanding attachment styles is equally valuable in the boardroom, in the back office, and in all aspects of interpersonal relationships in the workplace.
So, what are attachment styles?
Attachment Theory was developed through the work of John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth and others. It identified the patterns of connection and communication between an infant and their primary caregivers, and that this shaped their cognitive, emotional, and social development.
Attachment styles are either secure or insecure. With insecure attachment, there are three attachment styles - anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and fearful avoidant (or disorganised) attachment.
While our attachment styles are developed in our early years, they can change over time due to life experiences. Secure attachment in childhood can develop into insecure attachment through traumatic experiences later in life. Children with insecure attachment can become securely attached as adults if the conditions are right.
A brief overview of the four attachment styles:
Secure Attachment: Formed when caregivers are consistently responsive and supportive. People with secure attachment feel comfortable with closeness and independence. They tend to build strong relationships, handle feedback well, and lead with confidence.
Anxious Attachment: Develops when care is inconsistent, leading to a strong need for reassurance. Those with anxious attachment often seek reassurance, fear rejection, and overthink their decisions. They may struggle with confidence, setting boundaries, or handling criticism.
Avoidant Attachment: Comes from emotionally distant or unavailable caregivers. Those with avoidant attachment value independence and self-reliance but may struggle with vulnerability, connection, or asking for help. In leadership or teamwork, they might appear distant or unapproachable.
Fearful Avoidant Attachment: Often linked to unpredictable or even traumatic early experiences. People with this attachment style combine a desire for connection with a deep fear of rejection. It can lead to inconsistent behaviour, difficulty with trust, or wavering confidence.
Our attachment style affects the way we interact with others, our emotional responses, and our behaviour. Understanding attachment styles helps us to better understand our emotions. They are patterns of how we connect, communicate, and handle relationships, shaped by our early experiences with our caregivers. They don’t just influence our personal relationships, they also affect how we navigate work, leadership, and teamwork.
Whilst attachment styles originate in childhood, they continue to shape how we relate to others in all areas of life. By having an awareness of them and being intentional, we can develop more secure, confident ways of handling interpersonal relationships.
When you are aware of the different attachment styles, it can help you to better understand why colleagues may act and behave the way that they do. For example, a coaching client had a poor relationship with their line manager.
Their manager micromanaged and didn’t praise and acknowledge them when they had done something exceptional, other than when those more senior had acknowledged it. The manager appeared distant and unapproachable.
This caused friction and frustration for my client who saw their relationship as a barrier to their career progression. Using attachment styles, I was able to help them explore their line manager’s behaviour.
This helped them to gain an understanding of why it might be that their manager behaved and communicated the way that they did. They recognised that their manager was insecure, and as a result, this was reflected in the behaviours directed at my client.
By having this awareness my client was able to empathise with their manager and as a result, respond to their manager differently. This understanding helped them identify ways in which they could improve the relationship.
There was an initial reluctance on my client’s part to go out of their way to develop the relationship when their manager was not going out of their way to improve it. However, they recognised that their manager lacked awareness of the impact of their behaviour.
They also recognised that because they had this awareness, they would have to be the one to take the initiative if they wanted the relationship to improve. Particularly as the relationship was pivotal to my client’s progression.
Recognising the attachment styles of others
Whether it is your team members, peers, or managers, observing the behavioural patterns and communication styles of those you work with can reveal underlying attachment tendencies. I add a caveat here; this is not about judging them and it is not about putting them in a box. It is to help you better understand why they may act, behave, and communicate in the way that they do.
To help identify the attachment style of others, observe their patterns of communication, response to feedback, delegation, conflict resolution, and how they respond to stress. Remember, it is not about putting people in boxes, so avoid labelling them. Instead, use your observations and increased awareness to develop empathy so you better understand their behaviour.
Understanding the attachment styles of others, helps you to adapt how you communicate with them, give feedback, and support them to meet their emotional needs. This helps to develop trust and psychological safety, as well as improving interpersonal relationships, and performance.
How do you think having an awareness of attachment styles could help you and your relationships with the people that you work with?
