I first published an article about this topic 8 years ago, but it is a topic I have seen come to the fore quite a bit recently, so I have refreshed it for those of you who may not have read it first time around:
How many times have you failed to ask for what you really want because you are afraid that you will get told no, or be negatively judged? As a result, you could be missing out on a new career, that promotion you have always wanted, or other opportunities.
The fear of rejection can be powerful
The fear of rejection can be powerful, freezing us in our tracks and holding us back from achieving our full potential. In fact, in one study, researchers found that the pain of rejection to be like that of a broken limb. But why is it that those two simple letters ‘N – O’ can have such a devastating effect on us. Even people who appear confident and self-assured can be affected by it.
Does it stem from a need for acceptance?
Does it stem from a need for acceptance? We want to be liked. We want to be accepted. And we want to feel like we belong. Going back in time, we needed the protection of the social group otherwise we were more at risk from the threat of predators. Without this protection, we had less chance of survival, and it is said that we still carry an unconscious belief for acceptance and inclusion from others.
We want to belong, and we do not want to feel rejected. But, we no longer need the acceptance and approval of others to survive. If someone tells you no, what is the worst thing that can happen? Even if this were to happen, what next?
I see this a lot with many introverted women. They are not asking for what they are worth, or they go for jobs that are beneath their skill set and ability. Jobs that they can easily do and that do not stretch them.
One client needed some help with a particular complex application that she was completing. She had previously received an offer of help with it, but despite this, she had not taken the offer up.
She had not asked the person to commit to a time when they would be available to do it because she did not want to be a burden to them, or for them to say no to her. As a result, she missed out on going for a fantastic opportunity.
If someone tells you no, there could be a number of reasons for this, which may or may not be about you. Many people automatically assume that it is about them and that there is something wrong with them. They fail to put themselves forward or ask for what they really want and as a result, miss out on opportunities, and they are not achieving their full potential.
What is it that you are failing to ask for because you fear being told no?
What is it that you are failing to ask for because you fear being told no? If you were to be told no, what could happen?
I asked this of one of my clients who was not charging what she was worth because she thought people would not want to pay the amount she was asking for. I asked her what this could mean and what could she do if it did happen. After some thought, her response was that it could mean that they simply could not afford it, and she recognised that they would not be rejecting her.
Furthermore, if it were the case that they simply didn’t want to work with her, she could pick herself up and find someone else. Someone that would be willing to pay the price that she was asking for.
If you are putting off doing something or asking for something through fear of rejection, look at your situation more realistically. By holding on to an irrational belief about being told no, you could be hindering your chances of achieving the opportunities that you want.
Ask yourself, what could be a more rational and helpful reason why you might be told no? And if that were to happen, what could you do?
Remember, you no longer need to have the approval of others in order to survive. Rejection is a part of life, and do you know what, that is ok.
What have you been holding yourself back from because you are fearful of asking and being told no, or negatively judged?
First published on LinkedIn.
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