For many leaders who avoid having difficult conversations, fear is often at the root of why they avoid them. A fear of rejection, or a fear of upsetting the other person being the two most common reasons I come across.
They delay, avoid them, brush things under the carpet, bury their heads in the sand, and might not even realise that fear is at the root of it. Anticipating a difficult conversation can be stressful and some people would rather put up with a negative situation rather than address it. This is despite the negative impact the undealt with situation has on them and others.
Avoiding them may feel like they are not putting themselves through the ordeal of the anxiety that the thought of having them brings on. However, not having them may prove worse for them in the long run.
As a senior leader, you are still human, and as such, just like everyone else, are subject to the effects of early life experiences that have shaped you psychologically. The trick is to recognise that these experiences may have influenced what you believe when you find yourself in situations where you don’t feel ‘secure’. Which in turn, shapes how you act and behave.
Many of us try to avoid the things we fear, and if fear is at the root of why you avoid difficult conversations, it is understandable why you would want to avoid them. You are not alone, and more leaders probably experience this than what you imagine.
However, you can choose how you respond to that fear and the thoughts and beliefs that bring it on. Just because you believe something to be true, it doesn’t automatically mean that it is.
Fear of rejection
You may find that it is only certain types of personalities that you find it challenging to have these conversations with. I often find that where a woman fears rejection when it comes to having difficult conversations, it is with people who come across as overpowering and authoritative (whether or not they are senior to them). With people who come across as less authoritative as them, or don’t have an overpowering personality, having difficult conversations is not an issue.
It may have been been the case that in their childhood they did not receive the kind of nurturing that helped them to feel secure. Or, they had an experience in their early career where a demanding boss, or other authoritative figure made them feel like they were no good. On reflection, they recognise that there had been an issue about that particular individual, but because these women were so inexperienced, they assumed the issue must have been them.
For some people, upsetting someone makes them feel guilty. They don’t want to see someone hurt because of something they have done to them. It makes them feel like a bad person. Many people want to have the approval of others and upsetting someone may mean that the person will not approve of them and will reject them.
Address your fears
Rather than avoiding those difficult conversations, address your fears. Something that you will have heard me say time and time again is that many of us are led by our emotions. The way we think affects how we feel, and we often act and behave according to how we are feeling. This is as a result of our thoughts and beliefs that we have about ourselves, our situations, our environments, something we need to do etc.
Challenging our thoughts and beliefs, rationalising them, and looking at ourselves and the situation from a more helpful perspective, helps to change how we feel so we feel less anxious. When we do this, it is easier to change how we act and behave, and it helps to make what we need to do feel less fearful.
Ask yourself the questions below and reflect on your answers to help you achieve this:
- Who are the people that I am are fearful of having difficult conversations with and what are the circumstances?
- What do I believe about myself in those situations and what will happen if I have the difficult conversation?
- What effect does having this belief have on me? What is the effect of not having the conversation?
- What is the worst thing that could happen about having the conversation? If it was to happen, what could I do? What proof do I have to support my beliefs about what will happen? How is thinking this way helping me?
- What is the best thing that could happen if I have the difficult conversation? What proof do I have that the best possible outcome won’t happen?
- What advice would I give my daughter/sister/niece/best friend to help them go ahead and have the conversation if they were in the same situation? How can I apply this advice to myself?
- What is a more helpful perspective for me to have?
- How will I approach the thought of having difficult conversations going forward?
By getting into the practice of examining your thoughts and beliefs, it will help you to increase your self-awareness of how and when they are hindering you. This will help you to adopt a more helpful perspective and overcome the fear.
What difficult conversations have you been avoiding?
First published on LinkedIn.
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