The experience of being a perfectionist can be incredibly taxing and filled with stress. Perfectionists place an immense amount of pressure on themselves in their pursuit of flawlessness. Unfortunately, this mindset often leads to procrastination, hindering their ability to achieve the success and happiness they desire.
It's not uncommon to find that perfectionists have a low tolerance for individuals who fail to meet their high standards, causing strain in their relationships. Can you relate to these challenges?
What is at the root of perfectionism?
The reason why perfectionism is so stressful is rooted in a desire to excel and a fear of failure. While wanting to do well can be positive, it becomes problematic when it triggers anxiety, affects both personal and interpersonal relationships, promotes procrastination, and impedes your path to happiness and success.
Numerous factors contribute to the desire for perfectionism, which can often stem from childhood experiences. Fear of failure and seeking approval are often at the core of this mindset.
When parents have high expectations and constantly push their children to excel, exerting pressure to consistently achieve good grades in school, it can instil a fear of failure.
Whilst coaching a client who experienced perfectionism, she came to the realisation that this was what had affected her. She recalled a time when she was about 12 years old and had gone home excited having achieved a B in an exam.
Rather than praising her and celebrating her achievement, her father asked her why it was not an A (experiences like this were common for her growing up). The message she took from this was that she was not good enough and over the years she constantly tried to prove herself and put pressure on herself trying to achieve perfection.
In addition to the perfectionism and the pressure this placed on her, the effects of this were imposter syndrome, self-doubt, a lack of self-confidence and self-belief, and not asserting herself.
Coaching helped her to learn self-acceptance. In doing so, she recognised that she was good enough and she stopped being so hard on herself. This also led to an increase in her self-belief and self-confidence.
In need of approval
Likewise, repeatedly being told that you are inadequate and will never amount to anything can significantly impact self-belief, leading individuals to believe they are perpetually insufficient and constantly in need of approval.
As a child, another client had constantly been told by her mother that she would not amount to anything. This gave her the determination to prove her mother wrong. And she did. She had a long, successful, high-powered career and over the years only pursued relationships with very successful, high-powered men.
But this came at a price, and it all came to a head when her job was made redundant. She realised the extent of the pressure she had put on herself over the years constantly striving for perfection.
It left her lacking the energy, motivation, and confidence to pursue what she really wanted. Coaching helped her to rediscover herself and she developed the confidence and a new lease of life to pursue a totally different path for her career.
Pefectionism can negatively affect decision making and delegation
Perfectionism has a profound impact on decision-making processes, as individuals become overly concerned with making the right choices and anxiously anticipate the consequences of making the wrong ones.
It can also prevent delegation of tasks, as perfectionists often struggle to trust others to perform at the same level of excellence. Additionally, it hinders individuals from pursuing their true desires due to self-doubt and insecurity.
Many of the women I coach, who identify as perfectionists, are senior leaders and have had successful careers, but deep down, they have insecurities that cause them to question their abilities. They doubt their competence and therefore strive for perfection in everything they do.
As a result, they can spend countless hours agonising over and striving for perfection in their work or projects, only to find that their efforts go unrecognised. This discrepancy occurs because the standards they hold themselves to are far higher than what others expect.
Consequently, instead of taking risks and venturing into new territory, they remain within their comfort zones, even when it no longer serves them. It's essential to reflect on whether this way of being is truly helpful or merely hindering your progress.
Understand the underlying beliefs and break free from its grip
Understanding the underlying beliefs that drive the need for perfectionism is crucial in breaking free from its grip. By challenging these beliefs and changing your thought patterns to ones that support personal growth rather than hinder it, you can begin to overcome perfectionism's adverse effects.
Whether you were told you would never amount to anything or high expectations were placed on you (and you were held to an unachievable standard), you can ditch the labels that were placed on you. Just because you were once told you weren't good enough or wouldn't achieve anything significant doesn't mean you have to carry that label with you forever.
Recognise the impact those words have had on your life but refuse to allow them to control you. Other people's words don't have to define your reality. They may have spoken based on their own experiences or limited knowledge, or perhaps they had a difficult upbringing filled with constant struggles that shaped their views.
Their intentions may even have been to motivate you to succeed, without realising the negative consequences of relentless pressure. They may not have had access to the wealth of information and knowledge available to you today.
The fact that you're reading this article demonstrates your growing awareness of how these labels have influenced your life. Let this empower you to take action and change your situation.
First published on LinkedIn.
If you are an introverted woman and a senior leader and want to increase your confidence, influence and impact, take my free assessment and get a report identifying areas to develop. You can take the assessment here.
