Have you ever tried generic confidence building tips such as ‘Fake it till you make it’, and wondered why it didn’t work?
Perhaps you stood taller, spoke louder, and forced yourself to look confident, yet still felt anxious, stressed or full of self-doubt. If so, the problem may not be your confidence. It may be that you're trying to solve the wrong problem.
It’s probably because there is an underlying cause why you lack confidence, which can’t be addressed by such generic advice. Because if you have an inherent limiting belief about yourself, pretending to be confident won’t necessarily make you feel better. It could even make you feel worse.
“If you lack belief about yourself, or doubt yourself in something, this will affect your confidence in your ability to do it.”
One reason may be that what you're trying to 'fake' doesn't align with what you currently believe about yourself.
This doesn’t discriminate either. You could be the most junior person in the organisation or the CEO, but if you lack belief about yourself, or doubt yourself in something, this will affect your confidence in your ability to do it.
Whilst you may go ahead and do what you need to do, because of how you feel about yourself, it’s likely to be stressful, you feel anxious, and because of this, you don’t do it to the best of your ability. Either that, or you don’t do it altogether.
The stressful event or situation you’re anticipating or doing, evokes your body’s stress response and you reacting accordingly to what you perceive to be a threat. This doesn’t have to just be a physical threat, it can be a psychological one as well.
It could be something such as having to deliver a presentation to the Board and you know they’re going to tear apart what you’re proposing.
Or having an interview for a job or promotion you really want.
Or having to raise your visibility and self-promote.
Or something else…
Getting to the root of what is behind this will help you to develop belief in yourself and feel more confident about what you need to do.
You might find it helpful to identify whether what is getting in your way falls into one of the following three categories:
The past – something you experienced in your past (often childhood or early career) that left you feeling you were not good enough.
The present environment – the environment you work in doesn’t make you feel like you belong or psychologically safe.
A future anticipation – your mind is racing ahead and making you anxious through worrying about the worst possible outcome.
The past
Recognise that what you experienced has likely shaped what you believe about yourself. What we think and believe about ourselves influences how we feel and how we feel affects how we act and behave.
So if you’re doubting yourself or telling yourself you’re not good enough, it’s going to negatively affect your self-confidence.
Where appropriate, challenge the belief and examine the evidence for and against it. You may then be able to develop a more balanced and helpful perspective. Because if you can change what you think and believe about yourself, you change how you feel. If you change how you feel, you change how you act and behave.
You might find that this is enough to change things for you. But if you know that rationally this makes sense, but it still doesn’t stop the self-doubt, acknowledge this and accept that this is how you feel. However, you can still do what you need to do even if you are feeling this way by adopting psychological flexibility.
If this isn’t something you can do on your own, seek professional help. This could be from a coaching psychologist like myself. Or if it is as a result of deep rooted trauma or emotional distress, a psychotherapist or counsellor may be able to help.
The present environment
If your present environment is one where you don’t feel like you belong or don’t feel psychologically safe, it’s going to be hard to thrive as your best possible self. Working in such an environment can gradually chip away at your self-belief and self-confidence, leaving you believing that the problem is you.
Recognising that it is the environment that is having this affect on you is the start to addressing it. If you don’t feel like you belong, look at developing and nurturing relationships on a one to one basis. If you don’t feel psychologically safe, what is needed to make you feel safe and how can you make this happen?
If you are able to change or influence change in your current environment, maybe it’s time to start looking for an environment that’s not toxic for you.
A future anticipation
If there is something you need to do that you’re worrying about the worst possible outcome happening, it’s likely to make you feel anxious and affect your self-confidence. What is the worst possible outcome for you and if it was to happen, what could you do?
Instead of letting your mind race ahead worrying about the worst possible outcome, identify what you could do if this was to happen. Once you know what your options are, this will help to ease the anxiety and fear, making you feel more confident about it.
If any of what I have written resonates with you, complete my free Confidence, Influence, Impact Assessment here to get ideas about the areas you can focus on.
Sometimes the problem isn't a lack of confidence. It's a lack of belonging, psychological safety, self-belief, or trust in your ability to cope with uncertainty.