The way you communicate can have an impact on how you are perceived as leaders. If you are prone to using apologetic language, the use of it can undermine your leadership presence, influence, and impact. Using apologetic language can come across as you lacking confidence in your abilities or being uncertain about what you are doing.
The use of apologetic language has passive undertones and does not instil confidence in others about your leadership abilities. Words such as “I’m sorry to bother you but…”, “I just wanted to see if…” are words often used by the apologetic woman.
Your words vocalise your thoughts
The words you use to communicate, vocalise what you think. You may use apologetic language because you think the other person is too busy to have time for you, or because they are much more senior, or it may be because you think you are not good enough. Because you don’t want to cause offence or take up their time, it can have the effect that you are not worthy of the other person’s attention, or that they are better or more important than you.
This often stems from a lack of self confidence and/or self belief and the rejection such women think that will come. Or they think they will make themselves look foolish, or that they will be negatively judged. If they had belief in themselves and were confident approaching the person or the task at hand, they would be able to communicate in a confident, assertive manner.
In situations where you have self-belief and are confident, I am sure you don’t act apologetically. If you have children, I am sure when you have had a busy, tiring day and you want them to do something, you don’t say, ‘I’m sorry to bother you but, would you mind tidying your bedroom?’. I am sure you approach the subject in a more confident, assertive manner in order to get the outcome you want, namely tidy bedrooms and a peaceful evening.
Some women become apologetic in situations where they need to deliver awkward, difficult, or challenging messages, or something unfavourable to the recipient of their communication. This apologetic approach can make you come across as timid, uncertain, passive, or faltering.
If you want to be impactful in your communication, be mindful of the language you use and how that portrays you as a leader. When faced with an awkward situation that you need to address, ditch the ‘I’m sorry but’ (or whatever apologetic language you use) in your sentences. If you worry about how your message will be received, what’s the worst that can happen?
How my coaching clients address this
When I coach clients who are prone to using apologetic language about how to have more of an influential and impactful presence, we address their self-limiting beliefs. Along with this, they develop an awareness of when they use apologetic language and who with.
One thing they do (which you could try) when communicating difficult or awkward messages, or to people they feel intimidated by, is type out their emails in full as they normally would. They then go through the email deleting the apologetic words. Words such as ‘I’m sorry but…’, ‘I was wondering if…’, ‘I just want to ask…’, etc.
Having deleted those words, they get straight to the point of what they want to say. Reflecting on their communications in this way, they are often surprised at the extent in which they use apologetic language. With this increased self-awareness, it is then easier for them to avoid it.
Having addressed self-doubt and other self-limiting beliefs and with an awareness of their use of apologetic language (both in written communication and verbally), they then start confidently asserting themselves in their communication. Making their communication more impactful.
Remember, your words are an expression of your thoughts and how you think and feel about yourself. How you communicate them will determine how others perceive you. If you want to be impactful in your communication, use language that reflects this.
