Introverted children can sometimes be misunderstood and misconceptions about introversion can lead some parents/carers/teachers to try and get the child to be something that they are not.
Because they may be quieter than their extroverted peers and not as outgoing, introverted child can be mistaken as being shy or lacking confidence. Whilst this may be the case for some, it’s not the case for all. Just like some extroverted children can equally be shy and lacking in confidence.
Jane’s experience
Take for example Jane* who had a 5 year old girl and a 7 year old son. Her son was extroverted and very sociable, whereas her daughter was introverted and less so. At family gatherings and social events, her son would run off straight away to play with the other children. Whereas her daughter would often be stuck by her side, and she would try and force her to join in like her brother.
One day she walked past the school playground and saw her daughter sat on her own. So, she went to complain to her teacher. Her teacher told her that her daughter was happy playing by herself and that she would also happily play with the other children when she was ready. But Jane wasn’t happy about this. She didn’t understand that her daughter was introverted and her son was extroverted.
I explained to Jane what introversion was and what it was not. I asked her what she thought the impact of trying to force her daughter to be someone that she wasn’t would have on her as she got older. She recognised that it could negatively impact her self-belief.
Sally and Elizabeth’s experience
Sally* told me that her 12 year old daughter came home from school upset one day. She had been marked down a grade in one of her subjects. Sally’s daughter was a bright child and knew her stuff. The only reason given for being marked down was that she didn’t put her hand up enough in class.
Imagine what impact this will have on this girl if, as she grows, she is made to feel like she is not good enough because she doesn’t put her hand up enough.
Experiences similar to these are something I come across time and time again in coaching. Introverted women who had been made to feel that they were not good enough as children because of their introversion. As adults, they were living the legacy of this experience.
Self-doubt, imposter syndrome, and perfectionism are all common amongst them. Elizabeth* was in her 40s and experienced imposter syndrome and a lack of confidence when it came to being visible, self-promotion, and putting herself 'out there’.
She had been fortunate to get as far as she had in her career based on her work and reputation. However, she wanted to take things to a whole new level, but imposter syndrome severely affected her self-confidence.
It transpired that as a child she was the only introverted one amongst her siblings. She would be quite happy to play on her own, doing creative things such as drawing and painting. Her mother however, would try to make her be like her siblings and force her to go and play with other children when she didn’t want to.
The message Elizabeth got from her childhood experience was that she was not good enough. Something that stuck with her until she had coaching. She recognised the impact her experience had her as an adult. Recognising and understanding why her mum tried to make her extroverted, she learned to accept herself as she was, and that she was good enough. She changed what she thought and believed about herself, and her self-belief and self-confidence soared.
A headteacher’s experience
A while back I spoke to a headteacher of a primary school about the challenges introverted children face in school. Having reflected on the conversation, they told me that the general school system does not recognise introverted children well enough or appreciate them at all.
They thought back to their teaching career and the messages they and others had given to young people. They said that they talk about developing confidence, but mostly measure this by one’s ability to stand up and talk to a room full of people.
If a child finds this uncomfortable it was seen as a weakness and something to 'develop'. They felt that their limited awareness of introversion has meant they have not done enough justice to the many introverted children that they have taught.
Following our conversation and their reflections, they were determined that as a school they would have a greater awareness of and recognition of all their children. And, that they don't see the quiet child as someone to fix, but as someone to celebrate and allow to develop in their own way.
Understand what introversion means for your introverted children, if you don’t already
As you spend extended time with your children over the school summer holidays, think about their natural preferences. Do they prefer playing in groups, have lots of friends and are considered ‘outgoing’? Or do they have a few close friends and prefer to play with one or two people, and enjoy playing by themselves? Are they energised from being in social environments where there is lots of external stimulation? Or do they feel drained if they spend too long in such environments?
Having an understanding of whether your child has a preference towards introversion or extroversion, means that you can help them to be at their best during the different activities that you plan for them during the summer (as well as helping you to better understand them beyond the school holidays).
And if you have both introverted and extroverted children, mix up the types of activities that you do, so that you cater for both.
*Names have been changed for confidentiality reasons
First published on LinkedIn.
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