How to Stop Fearing Difficult Conversations and Do Them Confidently for Leaders

The Chartered Management Institute found that two-thirds of British managers admitted to becoming stressed and anxious in anticipation of having a difficult conversation. More than half would do almost anything to avoid having that conversation, preferring to put up with a negative situation rather than tackle it. Their study also showed that more than 80% of British managers had never had any training on how to deal with difficult conversations at work.

When it comes to having those all-important difficult conversations, many people avoid them because they do not like confrontation. The word confrontation can have negative connotations for some and because of this, the word alone puts many women off. The thought of having to confront someone makes some people anxious and fearful. As a result, they end up saying nothing and the situation continues, and it makes them stressed.

Some of the reasons why we don’t like difficult conversations include:

•        Dislike confrontation
•        Don’t like hurting other peoples’ feelings
•        Worried about the impact
•        Worried about repercussions
•        Do not want to rock the boat
•        A fear of rejection

However, if you have a situation that requires a difficult conversation and don’t have it, and things don’t get addressed, it can make life difficult for you and for others. You can end up despising yourself for not addressing the situation when you know you should have. It also means the behaviour of the person you need to have the difficult conversation with will continue.

Some of us avoid putting ourselves in a situation where we have to deal with uncomfortable emotions, and as a result, avoid difficult conversations. There may be an internal battle going on between avoiding and confronting. If you avoid the issue, the situation may get worse, you may get more frustrated, and resentment will grow. If you confront, you may get hurt, they may get hurt, and relationships could be damaged.

For the situation to improve, you need to find a way of communicating the issue effectively and a tool that can help you with this is Transactional Analysis (TA). The theory developed by Dr Eric Berne in the 1950s, it is a tool we can use to analyse our interactions with others.

The basis of it is that we have 3 ego states namely Adult, Parent, and Child and we all have a preference as to what state we operate in when in different situations. Each state has its use, and as a quick overview, the Parent is either about compliance or is nurturing; the Adult is where we are self-aware and self-regulated, logical, and able to manage our emotions; the Child is the emotional side and can be adapted (i.e., seek positive recognition and let a need for validation outweigh what we are really feeling), or free (let our emotions rule us).

When it comes to having difficult conversations, approaching it from an Adult to Adult state is likely to give you the best outcome.

Develop an awareness of how you respond to stressful conversations

By being aware of how you respond to stressful conversations (or the thought of having one) will enable you to manage your emotions and reframe things. You can then approach the situation more rationally and in the Adult state and have an Adult to Adult conversation.

• What feelings and emotions are evoked for you when it comes to having the difficult conversations you find challenging?
• What are your thoughts and beliefs about yourself, the situation, the other person and what will happen?
• How can you reframe things so that you have a more helpful perspective?

Say for example, you are being undermined by a colleague in meetings and need to have a conversation with them about it. Rather than being fearful of a confrontation, one way you could reframe it is, for things to improve, you need to speak to the person to let them know the impact of their behaviour (they may not even be aware of it).   

Plan how you want things to go

Planning how you want the conversation to go improves your chances of a good outcome. What is the outcome you want?

With what you know about the person, how do you think they will respond? Will they get emotional? Will they start crying? Will they start shouting? Will they go silent? Will they go into denial? Will they be accepting? Will they agree with what you are saying? Will they disagree? Think about how they are likely to respond and plan for it.

What do you want to gain as a result of having this conversation? Are you wanting change in someone's behaviour? What are the things that you are not prepared to negotiate on? Are there any negotiables?

Avoid dismissive labels

You may have developed a view about the person based on how you see their behaviour and labelled them accordingly. This label may cloud your perspective, preventing you from approaching the conversation from an Adult state.

What do you think could be going on for them? Could they feel threatened by you? Do they have insecurities? Are they under a lot of pressure? Trying to understand what could be going on for them will help you in the approach you take. Recognise that they too may have irrational, unhelpful thoughts and beliefs and may be acting emotionally.

Be open minded and aware of any unfavourable biases that you may have formed towards them.

The discussion

Do not go into the discussion all guns a blazing. Likewise, do not go in there as the adapted Child, and being apologetic. Be assertive in your approach and hold your ground about what you want to say. Make it about the behaviour or the situation, sticking to the facts and giving specific examples. Be clear and to the point, and make sure you have the conversation in a timely manner.

Listen actively to them and let them have their say without you interrupting. Ask open questions and summarise what they have said in their words, so they feel like you have heard and understood them.

Sell the benefits of the outcome you want and involve them in finding a solution. If they are involved in the solution, they are more likely to own it.

If you avoid difficult conversations because you don’t like confrontation, remember, if you don’t speak up about it, nothing will change. Reframing how you view things, and planning and preparing for it, whilst you may not enjoy it, will make the conversation easier to have.

What is your approach to having difficult conversations? If they are something that you avoid, what planning, and preparation can you do when you need to have the next one?

First published on LinkedIn.

 

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